Anyone who knows me knows I am a raging insomniac. I don’t sleep much and when I do sleep its usually fitful. My friends, family and clients know this all too well. And if you know me you know I am a publicist, my job is to make peoples nightmares disappear and dreams come true. I am a spin doctor, a fixer, a walking dust buster. On occasion I can even herd cats. So getting calls at 2am is pretty regular, with crazy situations from friends, family and clients. And I love it. Love my job; love my friends and my clients. If you know me you know my love life is, shall we say, in flux regularly? Oh, let’s be honest, it’s usually its own shit show. If you know me, you also know I am loud, brash, a bit crazy, lead an insane lifestyle, will talk to anyone, can make a friend on the line at the bank, am bold, have no concept of subtlety (unless a client needs it, can’t do it for myself), I am loyal, will help my friends to a fault, will talk about my kids all the time shamelessly, and have put my partners happiness before my own consistently.
With that in mind, in comes tonight’s late night call but this time it was different. A client who shall remain nameless called me because she was concerned. I was acting odd, different… not upset, or sad but confused, she tells me. And I thought about it for a hot minute and she was right and then I proceeded to seriously unburden myself on her in a tirade of epic proportions! I ranted, railed, and regurgitated my mess on her in a manor than can only be called manic. The poor girl! After my crescendo of crap concluded, and her pregnant pause ended she said “Well you are fucking human after all!” At least she got me to laugh. She says to me “We all kinda take for granted that we can dump all our crap on you and you talk us down off the ledge and handle the shit for us. Maybe we should check every once and a while to see if you are further out on the ledge then we are. You handle stress so well, I think we all forget you are human and maybe stress gets to you sometimes as well.” Kind words and truly surprised me.
She then took a chapter from my book and proceeded to force me to answer questions about everything I talked to her about…why’s, where’s, what’s. Good chunk of this centered on my love life (and I use that term in the loosest of fashions), my job and my friends and family. So to that end here is what we discovered.
Comfort sucks! Comfort makes you settle for a ration of crap all in the hope that you can stay comfortable. It’s like a drug. It makes you think you are comfortable but you are really just afraid of change. Change is good…change keeps you dynamic, moving forward and planning more. If you are comfortable in your relationship, it’s just a way of saying you are settling. Relationships should be built on love, caring, trust and desire….not comfort.
Our second conclusion – there is a very good chance that the moment I fall in love…the shit will hit the fan. The four horseman of the apocalypse will appear, pestilence, famine, war and death will wreak their havoc and everything will change dramatically. The dead rising from their graves, cats and dogs sleeping together MASS HYSTERIA (yes I stole the fucking line from Ghostbusters…live with it. It’s called copy for a reason). One of these days I will read the signs right. I am the living embodiment of “fools rush in where angels dare to tread”. The sad part about this conclusion was her telling me….”and that is not gonna change. You, Vic, are a hopeless fucking romantic, with way to much passion and no goddamn filter! When you lead, you lead balls first and put it all out on the line.” Yay…go me -__- Always thought that was a good thing, be in it to win it. Go big or go home. When you wanna be with someone just be with them. Shouldn’t you want to put a smile on her face all the time? Aren’t you supposed to handle her problems like you would do for any clients? Shouldn’t you use all your resources available to help her dreams become reality or make her nightmare go away? Am I missing something? Would you believe I was once asked by a girlfriend what I wanted in our relationship. When I said passion, faithfulness and honesty, I was told I asked for too much. Seriously?
Conclusion three – I have some of the best friends on the planet! I love you all! You are amazing and have stood by me through some serious serious crap. I don’t want to name names because I don’t want to leave anyone out. But suffice it to say, you have lent me cars after and I lost mine, do to my own stupidity. You give me places to sleep, feed me, and pick me up at sometimes on VERY short notice. You have made me a part of your family, cooked for me and let me vent. You have all had my best interests at heart and supported me even when I didn’t listen to your advice … that was always right.
Conclusion four – I love my family! My daughter is daddy’s girl and my son is a man that I am proud of! I wish I could take credit for him being like that, but honestly when you have my dad and my grandfather as role models, I am seriously second fiddle. I grew up in a true “Leave it to Beaver” household with parents who to this day put their kids and grand-kids first (grand-kids before kids). I had my family around me all the time. Sunday dinner was 2 pm at my Great-grandmothers house with a table that barely fit the 40 of us that would eat together. From that grew a lot of who I am.
Conclusion five – My job is insane, the money is up and down like a roller-coaster. I have an insane lifestyle that looks like I am a hedonist, and it will be hard to find someone that will put up with that. Many wind up with me for what they think I can do for them, not for wanting to be with me. …and once again I was informed that this isn’t gonna change anytime soon either. Oh well, live fast, die young and leave a pretty corpse right? OH SHIT…I am old..and FUCK their hasn’t been a whole lot of pretty here since about 1969…well at least I got the live fast part down pat!
…and the final conclusion….Fuck It! Be me…be myself. Charge in, be bold, get knocked down, just get back up again (Jesus I am now a Chumba Wumba Song…Tub-thumping away) live life fast and hard, love when you want to, be what you are. Stay true to yourself and enjoy. Cut out the toxic and keep the good. Money is meant to be spent on life and family and love. Don’t become bitter, and try to do what’s right. At the end of the day you gotta look in the mirror and say you tried! And it’s ok to love and loose…if you don’t love how can you ever be loved back? (In some of my cases it was better to have loved and lost then to be stuck with that psycho for life)
Thank you my dear…I owe you big time for this one. And to my friends that I love, my family that I love, the woman I love (Let’s not assume you have any idea who or whom that last one is meant for)…I do love you all and that is also another thing that won’t change!